Weight Loss Wednesday

So this is officially, officially the journey to a healthier me.

I have not written about this in a public space before but I have been on this journey for some time. Taking baby steps to being healthy once more. My journey/quest has nothing to do with size, or wanting to look good, and has more to do with the way that I feel.

I feel unhealthy. I feel tired and fatigued all the time, and my PCOS symptoms are getting out of control.  Oh yeah, by the way, I have PCOS. Yes, this lovely disease was diagnosed by my midwife back in 2010 right after I had Doll Face.

PCOS has been something that I have lived with my whole life and didn't even know it. What is PCOS?

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin" -PCOSupport.org

I was really shocked when my midwife diagnosed me because for years I had struggled with symptoms of this disease without a clue about what was going on.  And for years, I had gone to the doctor pleading for help and had received none. The first time I went to the doctor because of this was when I was 16 years old and the doctor couldn't tell me what was wrong. She sent me home and told me that I was still young and things would just work out on their own. A couple of years back, I began gaining weight so I started working out like a mad women. To no avail, I kept gaining weight even though I was working out for 2 hours a day. So I went to my doctor and he told me that I should try harder. I wanted to slap him when he told me that. I felt defeated.

So when my midwife told me that I had PCOS and described the sympthoms to me, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and thank her. Because for the first time someone believed me and believed that I was not crazy. That there was in fact something wrong with me and that my body was not responding to all the things that I wanted it to.

It was definitely a moment of clarity. But that moment did not last long.

I was confronted with the reality of this uphill battle. The reality of how much harder it would be for me. I am not going to lie, the magnitude of this has often caused me to throw my hands up in the air in defeat. It has often left me wanting to run away. In those moments, I give myself time and space to let myself feel whatever it is that I need to feel and I give myself a moment to regroup.

Right now, in this moment, I have regrouped. I want to be healthy. I want to believe that I can take care of myself the same way that I take care of everyone around me. 

Gosh, why is it that it is always harder to care for oneself than it is to care for others? We'll talk about that in a future post. For now, just know that I am ready to change... slowly but surely. Change will happen.

I don't want to overwhelm myself with the magnitude of this project. So for now, I am just letting the world know that I am ready to change. That I am ready to work on myself. To heal the physical scars of abuse. Yes, I am sure that my past has shaped my present body. But again, we'll talk about this in a future post. 

So every Wednesday we shall have a post or update of Weight loss Wednesday. And I will set a goal for the coming week. 

My goal this week? I want to incorporate more water in my daily life. I mean I drink water but I am kinda lazy about it. I am going to try to really make an effort to drink more water. I will keep you posted and let you know how this is going for me next week. 

My hope is that by incorporating small changes, that I will make baby steps to my ultimate goal. 

Had a craving and gave in. I bought a $3 Pomegranate yesterday. Yes, $3. I figured that I spend far more on unhealthy food so why not give in to this healthy craving. Worth every dollar. :)